Wednesday, August 17, 2011


I am here and scared as all hell. I'm just trying to get things under control. I have been so out of it lately that I am scared of myself. I don't like who I am, or who I have become. I have lost my temper with several people. Including some of Nikki's family, and even my own son.

I am afraid of what I would do to someone. But I am trying to get things right once again. I have been blamed for not doing what needed to be done. But that is a lie, I have always done things to make things better.

I am afraid of who I am because of my temper and the ability to control it. I'm just lost in a world where I have few options. And I want to get me and Nikki out of here, but to where would we go. I want to go back to Redmond, but that would be temporary. I actually want to move out of state. I am looking at Montana and some other states. Just time to start over.

I'm not one to get scared for no reason. I have reasons to be scared. But people look at me and think I am just not telling the truth or that I have a motive to do something to someone. I am a violent person who is trying to leave the violence behind. But we can't. Because violence is everywhere we go. I am afraid of myself and I am not ashamed to admit to it.

I just want my life to be better. And that is what I am trying to do, make it better. Work is scarce, but we do things to make ends meet. Just wish I had the answers

Sunday, July 10, 2011


Sometimes we find that we need to do things different. I am looking at moving back to Bend or Redmond, then that way I can go back to school and get a degree. Once there I will stay for awhile and later will move out of state.

Too much drama in the last couple months and drama isn't what I need. I try to be a helpful person, but people tend to take advantage of my kindness. I try to do things my own way and leave my mark. We are always  doing things to help others, even if we don't realize it. I just want things to be normal again, maybe being in a place where people don't know me would be a good start. Have to wait and see.

I have a job once I go back to Central Oregon. I would be working as a landscaper. I am just hoping to get there and get money saved up. Money saved is a good thing. But first comes fixing the Malibu. And that alone is roughly 600 just for parts. Then another 150 or more in labor. So it will be difficult. But we are trying to get things right so we can leave

Sunday, July 3, 2011


I spent the last 2 weeks without having my son here. I was able to refocus and get things done. But now that he is home it's a new game all over again. I am nearing my wit's end in some respects. I am wanting to move from here so bad and just go away to like Montana or somewhere where I can start all over and make a life for me.

I spent my life living in the shadow of my sister. A perfect child to my parents. Able to serve in the military, married t a military man and well educated. Where I am the outcast, but just as smart as she is, only in a different way. My parents never cared that I could never serve. It was my dream, the dream was shattered.

Now I want away from here. My parents are trying to take Dante away from me, and I won't let it happen. That is why I want to move so bad. I didn't want to be in Oregon when I moved here all those years ago. Now I want out. Just to rebuild my life and the life of my family. That is what is important to me.

Life deals us hard times once in a while. And my life has been difficult since I came to Fossil. Noone here wants to trust me or give me a chance to prove myself. I can get work, but it doesn't pay all too good. I may make up to 11.00 an hour. That's if I'm lucky. It's time to get things together and make a change. I need a change and so does my family.

I try to provide a life for my family, but it is very difficult where I live. The market for jobs is non-existent. We get by with what little money we do get per month. And that equals about 1600.00. Most of that goes to bills and other things that are required. I will write more later

Wednesday, June 29, 2011


Well it's official....the jackass behind me that keeps trying to get me to fight is LEAVING.......YAY. He is moving to Elgin I guess. Moving on the 3rd I heard. But I am so frustrated with so many things right now.

I am ready to move and start all over again. Get a clean slate, a fresh start and try to do things right this time around. But we are debating if we want to do that yet or not. I would be nice but we can't afford to go anywhere yet. I have yet to fix her car and save up the money for us to move.

Sunday, June 26, 2011


So the badass thinks he can lure me out and get me to fight. He is mad because I talked to his girl yesterday, ALL I DID WAS TALK. Unless you can prove otherwise, you need to get over it and understand that I do more good than harm.

I am not the one who showed up and started a bunch of shit and got into fights. I am not the one who broke my fuckin hand tryin to prove who I am. I am the one who stayed in the shadows and watched you self destruct. I took you in when you wanted something, you abused my trust. You deserve to be left and for your girl to never come back. Get over it, she is getting ready to go to school and all you are doin is usin her for her money. You can't lie.

It's sad to see a girl that has the potential to do anything be held back. And that is what you are doing. You have no idea of what harm you have done to her and to her dreams. Because all you care about IS YOURSELF. Fuck anyone else, it has to all be about you. Forget her and what she wants. It's all about what you think you need and want.. Seriously......get a life. I did nothing wrong. If you can't deal with that then you need to leave.

Don't come up in my territory and step up to me, it's a losing battle. I have a right to talk to whoever I want when I want. This is  A FREE COUNTRY, OR DID YOU FORGET THAT. FREEDOM allows us to do what we want, when we want, where we want. SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GET A LIFE. I NEVER DID ANYTHING TO YOU. GET OVER IT AND LEAVE MY TOWN...LET ME HAVE MY PIECE OF MIND BACK


We know that I am considered a fair person. I try not to judge anyone, I try to get along with everyone. But in some cases it is a little harder to do. I am so ready to follow my girl anywhere that she wants to go. She wants to go to Montana or Colorado I will follow.

I have no reason not to. I have a family now, I am a family man. I just don't seem like it all the time. But I am ready to start a life somewhere else. Maybe it is time, who knows.....

Saturday, June 25, 2011


We all face choices, and it's what we do with those choices that makes us who we are. We take things into consideration, try to rationalize, and come to a conclusion. In that process, we lose track of things. Or at least we tend to.

I am not a person who is mean or would hurt someone just because I feel like it. I am a passive person, that is until someone corners me and forces me to fight. I try to do things a different way. I use diplomacy as a way to solve problems, not violence.

Violence solves nothing anyways. I spend 6 days a week working out in a gym. And that keeps me grounded. It helps me to understand that I am human and can be hurt. I am not going to hurt someone unless they do something stupid enough to make me. I keep to myself for the most part.

I am a quiet person. I am a father, a father that has flaws, but then again what father doesn't. We are not immune to anything. We face problems head on and hope we can solve them and make them go away. Now it's a matter of understanding what makes each person who they are. Understanding a person's state of mind. That is how you become a person that people look up to and respect, not ruling by violence or threats

Friday, June 24, 2011


I write about how stupid some people are in my blog. I have made many a mistake in my life and I AM NOT ASHAMED OF THAT. This entry isn't about me. It's about my fazmily and what they are trying to do to me now.

I told my parents to stay out of my life last year, and they refuse. Instead they threaten to take me to court over my son. GET A FUCKIN LIFE!!!!! He is my son, not yours. My choice, my life, AND MY RULES. Get it in your head that you will not get him, especially since various family members have threatened Nikki. Simon, my own sister, Sean, and god only knows who else. It's sad to see that you have to sink that low. But oh what you will. I REFUSE TO BREAK AND BEND TO YOUR WILL. I am my own man, do not assume or presume to tell me how to live my life. You have no idea of what I have had to endure in the 4 years I have been with Nikki. It's sad to see that people are just flat out dumb and uncaring about the wishes of their own children.

Thursday, June 23, 2011


This is a big joke....some people think they can get away with anything. Yesterday I was in the process of talking to someone about Nikki's car and someone I cut ties with showed up. He basically challenged me to a fight when I told him to NOT talk to me.

I don't play games. Maybe it is time to consider other options, like maybe moving to another state or something along those lines. I can't fix the problem, because the person in question claims to have been here before me. I am sorry I have been here for over 3 years. I HAVE NEVER ONCE SEEN HIM. Yes I cut ties with him because of what he has done since he has been here...It's a fucking joke to think he can get away with all the shit he does and not pay.

His aunt even told me he is impossible to control and never listens to anyone. It's sad when someone takes you under their wing and does things to make you a better person and you fuck them over. I hope he learns his lessons the hard way.....maybe the way he will learn is to be scared out of this town or worse.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011


People need to understand.....I hate to fight. But they insist on pushing me into a corner and provoking me to fight. It gets old in a hurry. I keep telling people that I won't fight unless I am forced into that position.

Some people look the other way, while others decide it's fine to try and get me wound up and in a fighting mood. It's not too smart. I do things right, and my work is my trademark, as is anyone's work. I used to be angry all the time, mad at everyone, mad at the world. But I learned that life ISN'T fair, and you don't always get what you want. With that in mind reconsider the post from yesterday. And realize there is a line and the person and people in question will NO LONGER train with me. I tried to help them, they spit on me and tried to screw me over. NOT THIS TIME. You got what you deserved. Don't come crying to me when it gets hard, it's called life.......get used to it

Tuesday, June 21, 2011


We try to do the right thing in life. People don't always listen. I have a friend who refuses to listen. Since moving here about a month ago he has been in constant trouble and I have tried to prevent it. And like usual he refuses to listen. He has been in 4 fights that I know of. One that broke his hand and may get him put in prison. I am sorry, but there is a line. HE  crossed the line and still expects me to train him and his brother. I can NO LONGER DO THAT. He threatened to go after someone that I work for when they need me to work. And that doesn't sit well with me or my fiancee. I do what I can to ease the tension, but I am only adding fuel to a fire that refuses to listen and has a temper. He went as far as to tell me that he would take me out....go ahead and try. I am only saying there is a line and it isn't meant to be crossed. But he did. And there are consequences for what he does. We will see what happens