PISSED

OK I started the spring and summer doing landscaping work. About a month in, my employer decided to go to Pasco and buy a trailer to live in. Well, that put me out of work. So I was talking to someone here about how hard it is to find work that is steady and pays decent.

Well at that moment my life changed. I was approached to work for a company that is in 23 countries and on 4 seperate continents. The company is ACN. Now to why I'm pissed. I closed a deal for a wireless service. The phone is through the SPRINT network. But the number doesn't exist anywhere. So now my mentor has yet to call me back after I left voicemails and text messages.

The problem is that I am on my own in this it seems. When my mentor told me he would be there every step of the way. Apparently he LIED. I hate liars. I took this job because I could stay at home with my kids. Be home with my wife. Now I have a problem I may not be able to fix. I took this job based on what I was told. People don't really understand how hard it is for me to find a decent paying job where I live. It is almost impossible. I applied all over this town and as always I am the outsider. But my job I have now, may have put all my personal relationships in jeopardy. Any thoughts or ideas.......feel free to share

SCARED AS ALL HELL

I am here and scared as all hell. I'm just trying to get things under control. I have been so out of it lately that I am scared of myself. I don't like who I am, or who I have become. I have lost my temper with several people. Including some of Nikki's family, and even my own son.

I am afraid of what I would do to someone. But I am trying to get things right once again. I have been blamed for not doing what needed to be done. But that is a lie, I have always done things to make things better.

I am afraid of who I am because of my temper and the ability to control it. I'm just lost in a world where I have few options. And I want to get me and Nikki out of here, but to where would we go. I want to go back to Redmond, but that would be temporary. I actually want to move out of state. I am looking at Montana and some other states. Just time to start over.

I'm not one to get scared for no reason. I have reasons to be scared. But people look at me and think I am just not telling the truth or that I have a motive to do something to someone. I am a violent person who is trying to leave the violence behind. But we can't. Because violence is everywhere we go. I am afraid of myself and I am not ashamed to admit to it.

I just want my life to be better. And that is what I am trying to do, make it better. Work is scarce, but we do things to make ends meet. Just wish I had the answers

SOMETIMES

Sometimes we find that we need to do things different. I am looking at moving back to Bend or Redmond, then that way I can go back to school and get a degree. Once there I will stay for awhile and later will move out of state.

Too much drama in the last couple months and drama isn't what I need. I try to be a helpful person, but people tend to take advantage of my kindness. I try to do things my own way and leave my mark. We are always  doing things to help others, even if we don't realize it. I just want things to be normal again, maybe being in a place where people don't know me would be a good start. Have to wait and see.

I have a job once I go back to Central Oregon. I would be working as a landscaper. I am just hoping to get there and get money saved up. Money saved is a good thing. But first comes fixing the Malibu. And that alone is roughly 600 just for parts. Then another 150 or more in labor. So it will be difficult. But we are trying to get things right so we can leave

WIT'S END TO SOME DEGREE

I spent the last 2 weeks without having my son here. I was able to refocus and get things done. But now that he is home it's a new game all over again. I am nearing my wit's end in some respects. I am wanting to move from here so bad and just go away to like Montana or somewhere where I can start all over and make a life for me.

I spent my life living in the shadow of my sister. A perfect child to my parents. Able to serve in the military, married t a military man and well educated. Where I am the outcast, but just as smart as she is, only in a different way. My parents never cared that I could never serve. It was my dream, the dream was shattered.

Now I want away from here. My parents are trying to take Dante away from me, and I won't let it happen. That is why I want to move so bad. I didn't want to be in Oregon when I moved here all those years ago. Now I want out. Just to rebuild my life and the life of my family. That is what is important to me.

Life deals us hard times once in a while. And my life has been difficult since I came to Fossil. Noone here wants to trust me or give me a chance to prove myself. I can get work, but it doesn't pay all too good. I may make up to 11.00 an hour. That's if I'm lucky. It's time to get things together and make a change. I need a change and so does my family.

I try to provide a life for my family, but it is very difficult where I live. The market for jobs is non-existent. We get by with what little money we do get per month. And that equals about 1600.00. Most of that goes to bills and other things that are required. I will write more later

GOOD RIDDANCE

Well it's official....the jackass behind me that keeps trying to get me to fight is LEAVING.......YAY. He is moving to Elgin I guess. Moving on the 3rd I heard. But I am so frustrated with so many things right now.

I am ready to move and start all over again. Get a clean slate, a fresh start and try to do things right this time around. But we are debating if we want to do that yet or not. I would be nice but we can't afford to go anywhere yet. I have yet to fix her car and save up the money for us to move.

FINALLY

So the badass thinks he can lure me out and get me to fight. He is mad because I talked to his girl yesterday, ALL I DID WAS TALK. Unless you can prove otherwise, you need to get over it and understand that I do more good than harm.

I am not the one who showed up and started a bunch of shit and got into fights. I am not the one who broke my fuckin hand tryin to prove who I am. I am the one who stayed in the shadows and watched you self destruct. I took you in when you wanted something, you abused my trust. You deserve to be left and for your girl to never come back. Get over it, she is getting ready to go to school and all you are doin is usin her for her money. You can't lie.

It's sad to see a girl that has the potential to do anything be held back. And that is what you are doing. You have no idea of what harm you have done to her and to her dreams. Because all you care about IS YOURSELF. Fuck anyone else, it has to all be about you. Forget her and what she wants. It's all about what you think you need and want.. Seriously......get a life. I did nothing wrong. If you can't deal with that then you need to leave.

Don't come up in my territory and step up to me, it's a losing battle. I have a right to talk to whoever I want when I want. This is  A FREE COUNTRY, OR DID YOU FORGET THAT. FREEDOM allows us to do what we want, when we want, where we want. SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GET A LIFE. I NEVER DID ANYTHING TO YOU. GET OVER IT AND LEAVE MY TOWN...LET ME HAVE MY PIECE OF MIND BACK

LIFE AND WHAT WE DO

We know that I am considered a fair person. I try not to judge anyone, I try to get along with everyone. But in some cases it is a little harder to do. I am so ready to follow my girl anywhere that she wants to go. She wants to go to Montana or Colorado I will follow.

I have no reason not to. I have a family now, I am a family man. I just don't seem like it all the time. But I am ready to start a life somewhere else. Maybe it is time, who knows.....