Wednesday, August 17, 2011


I am here and scared as all hell. I'm just trying to get things under control. I have been so out of it lately that I am scared of myself. I don't like who I am, or who I have become. I have lost my temper with several people. Including some of Nikki's family, and even my own son.

I am afraid of what I would do to someone. But I am trying to get things right once again. I have been blamed for not doing what needed to be done. But that is a lie, I have always done things to make things better.

I am afraid of who I am because of my temper and the ability to control it. I'm just lost in a world where I have few options. And I want to get me and Nikki out of here, but to where would we go. I want to go back to Redmond, but that would be temporary. I actually want to move out of state. I am looking at Montana and some other states. Just time to start over.

I'm not one to get scared for no reason. I have reasons to be scared. But people look at me and think I am just not telling the truth or that I have a motive to do something to someone. I am a violent person who is trying to leave the violence behind. But we can't. Because violence is everywhere we go. I am afraid of myself and I am not ashamed to admit to it.

I just want my life to be better. And that is what I am trying to do, make it better. Work is scarce, but we do things to make ends meet. Just wish I had the answers